It’s kind of a big deal that I’m writing about anything related to the holiday season, as I’m usually the Number One Grinch, but when you throw monsters into the equation, my interest is piqued piːk . The first of these Winter Monsters I encountered was Der Krampus.
It was 2007, and my wife and I were visiting friends in St. Wolfgang, Austria. They are a big family who share a large house with several different levels for each inhabitant. Framed pictures and memorabilia line the walls in the hallways and walls of each flat. Among the sea of skiing mementos and family photos: there is one consistency. In the pictures, throughout the years, each child is being presented by a family member to a hideous demon goat creature that is the stuff of terror. Unsurprisingly, all of the small children are crying hysterically, clinging to their caregivers in fear.
I asked my friend, and she explained the tradition of Der Krampus – a Winter Monster from the Alpine regions of Austria and southern Germany. While the whole terrifying children thing sounds awful, kids growing up with Krampus quickly begin waiting excitedly at Krampus marches on the main streets of their villages with huge grins on their faces eager to see the devil goats aggressively march through the streets.
Long before the watering down and sanitizing of Christmas, things were much more complex, and darker. Many of these holiday stories encourage children to behave well so that they get their presents. The part where Winter Monsters come in is the dark-sided caveat: if they are badly behaved, extreme punishment will be their fate.
Most of these holidays correspond to what we know of today as Christmas. We encounter St. Nicholas observations, Epiphany and traditions that stretch to earlier pagan roots. Up until relatively recently, the Holiday Season was a time that was as spooky, if not more than Halloween. In fact, Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is just one example of many Christmas ghost stories told in the British Isles. So, in order to bring back this delicious tradition of telling tales of paranormal happenings, ghost stories and monsters, here’s our yearly taxonomy of Winter Monsters.
This year we will learn about a problematic ogre family from Iceland, a judgy Japanese winter ghost with lethally bad breath, well-mannered yeti intellectuals, a German witch who is a stickler for following rules, a gross French cannibal, and many more.
And of course...we will talk about Krampus.
But first…!
Saint Nicholas
What better Winter Monster than a skinny European guy with a beard? I kid, but many of the stories involving Winter Monsters are tied to Saint Nicholas of Myra, an early Christian bishop during the Roman Empire. He is the patron saint of children, unmarried people, students, sailors, repentant thieves, brewers, and...pawnbrokers. He was legendary for his habit of secret gift-giving, which is why at this time of year gifts are exchanged. Saint Nicholas is the European saint that the character of Santa originated. The feast of Saint Nicholas takes place on December 6th, and many of these winter legends take place on or around that date.
The 12 Days of Christmas is an important time period in most of Europe. In many ancient traditions, this time period is thought as a dark time when demons and monsters came out of the woodwork to do some business, hence all the Winter Monsters that frequently show up in folktales throughout Europe.
1 Krampus
In many central European mountainous regions, Saint Nicholas has a demonic hercine THAT MEANS GOAT! sidekick. It’s possible that this is the earliest depiction of this saint tradition. Which makes sense, because it’s absolutely ghoulish...so that checks out. Perhaps the most well-known Christmas Monster, Krampus puts the Satan in Santa. Krampus is what you get when a demon beast takes the punishment far beyond the crime.
This combination of a hellish devil and rabid Alpine beast hits the town on the eve of St. Nicholas Day on December 5th in Austria and parts of Bavaria in Germany. Legend has it, that the good kids (ha I said kid...that’s a baby goat, right?) get pressies and the asshole kids get beat like hell by DER KRAMPUS. They usually beat them with a whip that they carry, sometimes it’s made out of birch sticks, otherwise it goes on full leather daddy with a cat-o-nine-tails style whip. Anyway, after Krampus beat the children they (note that I used the pronoun ‘they’ because why’s Krampus always got to be a man?), then put them in a sack and take them straight. DOWN. TO. HELL. Whilst in Hell, he eats them.
During the yearly Krampus parades, they frequently walk around with inflated sheep stomachs or bladders attached to sticks to hit people with the inflated organs. THANKS ALEX SHROCK!
Krampus’s popularity has blasted off in North American. There are now Krampus Christmas festivities across the US and Canada. In Europe, Krampus Nacht celebrations feature Night-of-a-Thousand Krampus-type parades through the streets searching for people to give a beat-down. They’re a fun holiday threat.
2. Grýla
Grýla is a single, hard-working giantess from Iceland. She originally had 72 children from 3 different deadbeat dads. As you know, here on Dark Habits we dislike deadbeat parents, so we’re on her side. Because she was stuck on her own with no support system to raise her bazillion children, the kids were all delinquents who were out doing crime all the way from fucking with people to murdering them. By the way, they’re their own separate story that we’re going to tackle here, which maybe now makes this count as a True Crime Podcast? I digress. She also has a dick-sided cat that we’ll also get to, but we’re also one thousand percent Team Dick-sided Cat because we are committed to our own.
But you know what? Grýla is more than her ungrateful family. She’s more than a mother. More than a cat owner. More than a victim of her circumstances. Before all of this she had another life. According to Icelandic legend, she was highly regarded for kidnapping, cooking, and eating children who, guess what, don’t listen to their parents. You can also tell by all of these stories that back then things started getting colder earlier because by this point all the parents were desperate and started scaring the kids so they would get off their last damn nerve.
At this time of year, Grýla would come down from her mountain HANGRY for children to eat. Somehow, in the 17th century she was assigned as the mother of all those brats and shitass husbands. Then the cat showed up. Thankfully, they whittled down the original 72 to 13 at some point, which is still way too much for one single lady ogre to manage, but you know...relatively...better.
Now, she has to worry about her asshole kids and the cat, so when she goes to town annually she has to not only worry about herself, but everyone else and make a giant stew with the dead children that they will reheat and eat for the rest of the winter, I guess. Even though she’s ancient, she really has millennial cooking down. Though some could argue, this is just a reapproach to traditional cooking techniques used by working class people throughout the centuries. You didn’t invent everything, millennials.
Because women still do not have true agency over our bodies as well as personal autonomy, the Icelandic government BANNED using Grýla to get kids to behave. So now, she’s being silenced by the government. Infuriatingly, the press doesn’t have any problems using her as a scapegoat because in 2010 The Onion blamed her for the P: AY-yah-fyah-lah-YOH-kuul Eyjafjallajökull volcano eruption.
3. The Yule Lads
These fucking guys. You already know they’re a bunch of dickbags when you see that their dumb name has ‘lads’ in it. Which reminds me of a brilliant song ‘Lads, Lads, Lads’ by Lambrini Girls! These are the brats our girl Grýla has to deal with, and they don’t deserve her at all. The P: yo-las-venir Jólasveinar, or Yule Lads, are 13 Icelandic tEeNaGe trolls who each have a name and personality, kind of like a Seven Dwarfs situation, except each personality sucks. From ‘The Monsters of Christmas – Atlas Obscura,’ by Sarah Elizabeth Troop, they are as follows:
“Sheep Cote Clog,” a peg-legged sheep fancier; “Gully Hawk” who hides out in ditches or gullies and waits for an opportune moment to run into the cow shed and lick the foam off the milk in the milking buckets; “Stubby” whose name denotes his stature as he is unusually short; “Spoon Licker,” a licker and thief of spoons; “Pot Scraper” who is a petty thief of leftovers; “Bowl Licker” who hides under your bed and waits for you to absentmindedly put down your bowl so he can steal and yes, lick it; “Door Slammer” who slams doors all night; “Skyr Gobbler” who eats “skyr” yogurt; “Sausage Swiper” who steals sausage; “Window Peeper” who watches you from the windows; “Doorway Sniffer” who uses his incredibly large nose to sniff through doors to find bread; “Meat Hook” who always brings a hook along with him so he can steal meat; and “Candle Stealer” who follows children around so he can steal their candles, leaving them in the dark.”
Since the olden days, they have been stealing shit and causing problems. Their bullshit always kicks off around the thirteen days in the lead-up to Christmas, so because they were already so fucked up, it made sense that parents were like, “don’t mess with those guys” to their kids. Then, sometime in the early 20th century, this Norwegian person P: yool-a-nees-a Julenisse starting coming to Iceland, bringing presents to the GOOD children. Either the traditions co-mingled or the Yule Lads went to one of those scared straight style boot camps, got rehabilitated or...you know maybe brainwashed? But they started working for Julenisse and now they leave gifts in kids’ shoes. Kids leave their shoes on the windowsill overnight, getting the gifts inside in the morning. They’ve toned their delivery down a lot because now, if the kid is a jerk, they just get a potato in their clog.
4. Jólakötturinn, or the Yule Cat
This wraps up the Jerry Spring Show that is the Grýlasdottir family: the family cat. Because he’s a Grýlasdottir, thus making his proper name being P: yo-la-ka-tur-in Jólakötturinn Grýlasson, he’s an asshole. He likes to eat humans, like the rest of the family. Of course he’s an ogre cat, therefore he’s huge. Also, he’s been eating human flesh, bones and organs for centuries therefore he’s really packed up on his protein. This black ogre cat loves to do some night hunting (cats! typical!) and has been going on his yearly Christmas Eve stroll since the 18th century!
Back in the day, it used to be that people who finished their work on time got new clothes for Christmas, but (surprisingly) those who were lay-abouts got NOTHING. Parents told their kids that if they were lazy asses, Jólakötturinn Grýlasson would come to the house and be able to tell instantly which of the kids were the victim because they didn’t have at least one new article of clothing on. The lazy kids didn’t so it was easy to know which ones to consume.
Fun Fact: This is also how the tradition of Christmas socks, sweaters and pyjamas came around!
5. Yuki-onna
I recently learned about Yuki-onna from a Japanese student. We were talking about winter traditions, she was very interested in hearing some European Winter Monster traditions (because very occasionally my work here blends with my day job). Then, she shared the story of Yuki-onna with me. Thank you Iyoko!
Legends of Yuki-onna date back to the 14th century and are found in Niigata, Aomori and Yamagata Prefectures. She is known by various names – Yuki-onna, Yukinba and Shigama-onna, though all are variations of “snow” in them. For reasons of clarity, we will refer to her as Yuki-onna or “snow girl” (though Yukinba or “snow hag” is pretty metal).
The most consistent story is the Yuki-onna was created by a woman who died during a blizzard. She appears as a beautiful woman with long black hair, blue lips and skin so pale it’s nearly transparent, and often a white kimono. This spectre glides over the ground, transforming into clouds of snow. Witnesses have claimed that it appears that she doesn’t have feet as she seems to float over the white landscape during blizzards. She terrifies victims with her gaze, and her breath is so cold when she breathes on travelers who encounter her, it is lethal. Later, their frost-bitten corpses are found on the side of the road.
In some tales, she shows up standing by the side of the road holding a baby. When a traveler tries to help her and take the child, they get frozen in place. Like a vampire, Yuki-onna has to be invited inside in order to enter someone’s home. Once she’s inside, she kills them. Also like a vampire, her stories involve her needing the life force of the living in order to sustain herself. She is sometimes depicted as a type of snow succubus. She’s also, I have to say, kind of judgy and is into looksism because she tends to favor good parents (and who gets to define what is a good parent, Miss Ma’am?), faithful spouses (upholding the outmoded notion of marriage much...and how does that work for poly people, ma’am...maybe it’s time to be more inclusive), and BEAUTIFUL people. Since Yukki-onna is ancient, she is obviously subject to outdated, limited beauty ideals and probably needs to expand her definition of what constitutes beauty. Even woman monsters frequently fall into the habit of creating a worldview based on patriarchal definitions.
6. Frau Perchta
Some German and Austrian folktales tell of a witch by the name of Frau Perchta who doles out both rewards and punishments during the 12 Days of Christmas starting from December 25th until Epiphany on January 6th. You’d better hope you’re not a sinner, because if you are, you are in danger of being disemboweled, then having your hollow corpse stuffed with garbage.
It is thought that the legend of Frau Perchta got its origins from an Alpine nature goddess in the Upper German, Austrian and Slovenian regions of the Alps. She is frequently associated with the Germanic goddess, Holda: guardian of the beasts. She is also the goddess of wool spinning. Sometimes she appears as a beautiful woman with skin as white as snow, or as an elderly old crone. In Tyrol, she is depicted as a tiny old woman with massive wrinkles, bright eyes, disheveled hair, and a hooked nose who wears tattered rags.
Originally, Frau Perchta was the upholder of cultural taboos – most significantly the prohibition against spinning wool on holidays. In legend, spinning was supposed to be completed by Christmas, and if it wasn’t Frau Perchta would get PISSED. In Austria and Bavaria, she is said to roam the countryside during midwinter, reaching her most active peak on the Twelfth Night. If the children had been well-behaved, then she would leave a silver coin for them in a shoe or bucket. But if they hadn’t: disembowelment. She also slits people’s stomachs open and fills them with straw if they eat something on the night of her feast day other than the traditional meal of fish and gruel. Yummers!
7. Qiqirn
P: ki-keern
For thousands of years, Inuit people have been living in an area of the world where, during winter, darkness rules the land and extreme cold temperatures pose a serious threat to survival. Most likely for as long as they have inhabited this brutal landscape, cautionary tales have existed warning against traveling alone after night has fallen. If a traveler happens to be returning home at night, they may come across the Qiqirn. P: kikeern
The Qiqirn is described as a hairless, four-legged, doglike creature. Small tufts of hair spring from its ears, tail, feat and muzzle. It kind of sounds like a really big Chinese crested, which really does sound horrifying. If caught by surprise, the traveler is doomed. If pounced upon without warning, people as well as animals are sent into convulsions causing delirium and total confusion. The unsuspecting traveler will convulse until they are dead.
While the Qiqirn are adept at stalking their prey and keen hunters, they are extremely skittish when confronted (relatable!), and run away if their victim shouts their name. This is the only way to escape from the clutches of the Qiqirn.
8. Père Fouettard
French Winter Monster, Père Fouettard (“Father Whipper” in English) is the story of an evil, sadistic butcher who craved human flesh – specifically that of children. The story first appeared in 1150, and according to legend, he along with his wife lured three boys into his butcher shop in order to rob them. Fouttard slit their throats, butchered them, chopped them up and cured them with salt in a barrel.
When St. Nicholas in his True Detective a la Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey form found out, he knocked the door down, glock in hand and magically resurrected the boys (I’m not sure how that worked as they were apparently being prepped for a charcuterie plate), and apprehended the awful Père Fouettard.
Ever since, Rat Bastard Fouettard has been forced into eternal servitude to St. Nicholas, he dutifully doles out coal and beatings to shitass kids. He probably kind of enjoys it, except he doesn’t get to eat them because apparently St. Nick has standards? Shrug.
9. The Kallikantzaros
P: kalli-kancer-oz
This is the Southeastern European and Anatolian version of those fucking guys from Iceland. These fucking guys, The Kallikantzaros, are wild. Legend says, during the year these fuckers spend their time trying to chop down the World Tree or Tree of Life – which holds the Earth up - from their home at the center of the Earth in the underworld. They just non-stop work a big saw through that tree.
However, during the 12 Days of Christmas they come to the earthly plane to guess what? Cause a ruckus with all the damn sinners on Earth. Sometimes they just rock up to some kind of house of vice and sit by the door to wait and attack sinners as they leave. Then, when they return to the underworld the World Tree is healed, so they have to start the process all over again. They obviously are challenged with learning by their mistakes. They do people dirty, but unlike the Yule Lads, they just really suck at it.
It’s gotten to the point that people know to set a colander on their doorstep at night. Because the Kallikantzaros get so swept away by attempting to count all the holes in it, but can’t count past the number 3, they forget about breaking into peoples’ houses, and just try to count the holes over and over again until the sun comes up. After that, they have to go back to the underworld. Then, the process of sawing the tree down starts all over again…
10. Saumen kar (shō’men kahr)
Inuit lore says that Saumen kar (roughly translated to “Man of Snow”) are seven-foot tall creatures covered in white fur with twisted black thorns. The Saumen kar are nomadic, preferring to stay isolated, yet are highly watchful of human life. They’re said to spend a great deal of time telling stories about humans to one another, and are known for their ancient wisdom.
Not known for eating people, they hunt and fish. They are reverent guardians of the land, and are known as watchers. While they enjoy observing human behavior, they are less keen on dealing with it (again, I relate). They are not known for suffering fools gladly, and are only willing to deal with wise, spiritual humans. The Saumen kar have the ability to communicate via telepathy, and are extremely psychically powerful. This helps protect them and keep their presence hidden.
Just don’t get on the Saumen kar’s bad side because when they get mad they are some fierce queens. The good news is, they love to dish the dirt, so you could probably get them distracted with a good story. As far as Winter Monsters go, they’re by far the chillest.
There you have it: some bitchin’ Winter Monsters to put the spooky back in the holiday season. This marks the first edition of my ongoing taxonomy of Winter Monsters. We can only have so much holiday cheer, and this time of year throughout the world has classically been viewed as a dark, mysterious time when dark, mysterious beings prowl the land. In many cases, these beings serve to freak kids out so their parents get to have some peace and quiet. Starting off as terrified, kids through the ages learned to get excited by the whole devil-goat-horned-creature-coming-to-get-them schtick. There’s a childlike wonder in the drama of the macabre, and the holiday season can have the jingle bells and kitsch, but it can also have its chills and thrills too. Now, make yourself a Hot Toddy or some other equally hot (alcoholic or not) beverage, and maybe...just maybe strike up a conversation with one of our Winter Monsters.
Sources:
8 Legendary Monsters of Christmas – Mental Floss, Miss Cellania, https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/54184/8-legendary-monsters-christmas
The Monsters of Christmas – Atlas Obscura, Sarah Elizabeth Troop, https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/monsters-of-christmas
10 Christmas Monsters to Make Your Christmas Spookier - The Spooky Stuff, Alex Matsuo, https://alexmatsuo.com/10-christmas-monsters-to-make-your-christmas-more-spooky/
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